entry from January 18, 2008

Well it has been a while since I last wrote. A lot has happened since I last wrote. On January First I got a message on my answering machine telling me that I need to get some papers from my soon to be ex husband's lawyers. I was so shocked. I knew the divorce was going to happen, and I have known this for a long time. However at times I didn't think divorce was going to happen to me. I mean why would it, I've done everything possible to make my marriage work, and I've raised my daughter the way she should be brought up, I didn't think I was that bad of wife for someone to walk out on you. Well I guess I have been thinking a lot and I've come to realize that I was a horrible wife. I mean not the horrible where I gambled our income, or I ran around and partied all night why my family was at home. I was a horrible wife in the way I wasn't there for my soon to be ex husband. I was young and stupid. I wanted it my way or no way. I knew the things he would ask from me, and they weren't things I couldn't deliver to him, wanted a calm house, a clean house, a happy family and I couldn't provide for him. I was always upset, I was always in the upset mood, and I was always negative. He was also a young guy, who at 23 did not want to get married; my goodness who in their right mind wants to get married at that time. However in a way we didn't have a choice, but we knew we loved each other and knew what had to be done to make the situation correct. Let's say that wasn't the best choice. I knew I loved this guy and for some odd reason I felt like he was meant to be in my life. Well now we know what our heart wants might not be what the head wants. So we got married, and from day one in was a marriage that was headed the wrong way. I am not going to talk about who did what and to whom. However I am realizing that even if someone did something to hurt the other person, there can not be any mending until you forgive yourself. I did and said a lot of hurtful thing to my ex that if he told me the same things I would have probably tried to kill myself. I mean I told him that he was a horrible father, that he was a horrible husband a lot of things were said out of anger that you never would have said if things were hurt. Why do people say stuff that they don't mean and hurt those closest to you? One of my fortune cookies I just got recently said: words of haste do friendships waste." That’s what a lot of people don’t' understand, when you are angry, best thing to do is go and read a book, go take a shower or go and write in a journal. I would see my ex do something and I’d just bottle things in, than when he would go do another thing that I did not like, I’d bottle that in too, than finally I'd explode, and for some reason when I explode I don’t' make sense, I want everything I am feeling out, not really thinking twice on how it sounds. The sad thing is when I used to yell at my ex it was always stupid sounding, and I'd later sit and realize what I did was wrong. The sad thing is this would happen all the time. I'd get upset, I'd over react and scream and holler and say all these awful things and than the next day I would be completely different. I remember when I got mad, I just would say filthy words that I never use on a daily routine, but am even sometime shocked at the words I used to call my ex and it wasn't just on one occasion. He took in a lot of the crap I threw at him. He was a pretty tough guy who had many layers of skin. I thank god every day for sending him my way.

Do I still love the guy, yes I do with all my heart, and he was my first love and will always be my first love. He was my first husband, my child's father. He will always have a part of me that no one will ever have. But I do know what we are going through is the best. I have a peace of mind, I don’t have to worry every day if he loves me or not, I don't have to lay in bed wondering why my husband won't touch me. NOT SAYING at all that it is his fault. I have a close friend who is going through a similar situation as I am, and I have to realize that a man touches a woman whole hearted when his heart and soul is at peace. If his mind is working triple load, the woman doesn't need to be getting the affection at the time. However when my husband wasn't touching me, I wasn't thinking that he wasn't happy with the situation at home, I would think that he was telling me that I was fat and ugly and disgusting that he wanted nothing to do with me. That I was so embarrassing that he didn't want to take me out in public, see how my mind worked, so when we would fight, I’d accuse him of not loving me or wanting me around and being embarrassed of me, but in reality he was just upset about what happened a while ago or he was upset about something else. I didn't know, so when he'd act that way I’d think it was because I did something wrong or I wore something wrong or I said something wrong. My insecurity of course did not help in anything. Anyways I'm on my way to bed, but I'll write more another day.