Entry from December 30, 2007

It feels really nice not having to work, not that I don't like my job, or do I, not sure at the moment, ask me again on Wednesday night and I’ll probably tell you something totally different. Don't get me wrong, many of the reason I actually go to work is because of the people there. When you leave there for the weekend you miss the social environment you get used to.

It's been really different spending a lot of time with my daughter. It seems like we are inseparable. Almost like a double shadow behind you. It has been really nice though, I just hope that she won't be so clingy when she has to go back to school. She went to school for two days last week and than will go for three days this week. WOW mom and daughter time wouldn't you say? Though I can't complain she and I have been really getting along well during vacation time. She and I have been keeping our cool and just spending so much time together. HOWEVER I AM SICK OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!!! Hint to moms, if your children like a certain movie DO NOT BUY IT FOR THEM, they are going to play it over and over and over again. HELLO that's why they like it. SIGH.....will I ever learn. Though I think I know every song on it, and I might even be dreaming about it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Maybe I should get her attached to one of my shows so I can actually sit and watch what I want and she will be happy about it. EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A TV IN HER ROOM, mom's is the best. OH WELL...........the life of a mother....what to do? What to do!!

This morning we went to church, a place I haven't gone for several weeks or even actually several months. I have been having a really hard time accepting everything that has been going on. I have been blaming God a lot. So many times I feel alone and want to talk to God but it's like he doesn't have time to deal with my issues and what I am thinking about. I'd go to church and there was no feeling. I'd sit there and just try to listen, but no sensational feeling came to me. I used to listen to the pastor and I’d feel things were going on through out my body, but I'd go there, and get so angry that I'd just walk out of the church or just get up and move around. The way I used to feel about God would have made me even cry. I was such a strong believer, I thought God was everything in my life, but now days I don't think he cares about me. The funny thing is today's service actually was all about faith and how hard it is to believe in god when it seems like everything around you is falling to pieces. One of my favorite Christan poem is the Footprint. My mom and dad have the poem in a huge frame that used to hang right by the stair case at our old house. I used to read that and have it remind me how it's not god who leaves people, in reality we are the ones who walk a way from him. I used to read that poem and I'd just start crying and that would always bring my focus on God and not all on me. Well unfortunately that was when I was a teenager. You know it's so awesome when you are young you can believe in something and you believe in it whole hearted However as you get to be an adult you want to see a miracle before you will believe in something. This time around though I was getting back to the way I was feeling, but not completely. I think I'm still bitter towards God for what has been going on, though I know it is my fault on what has happened in my life. Still..........hello if he is my father, why can't he help me choose right from wrong. BIG SIGH!! A lot of things going round and round in my head. Maybe I will get back to the path I was walking on to be nearer to god but who knows... I think I'm more ashamed at what has happened in my life and ashamed for what I couldn't accomplish in my life. Feeling like a failure in life is a hard thing to get past. I keep telling myself if I had only done this, or if I had only said that, or only not believed this or that, would things have been different. I myself am not sure anymore. I guess That is something I can focus on this coming new Year, I want to be someone not for people to look at me and say hey look at her she has changed so much, but for myself to look in the mirror and say wow, I have done it! No one made me do it, no one forced me to do it, but I wanted to do it, and I love who I have become and I love what I have become. Will this actually happen? I am not sure, but I am willing to try and get there. If I see myself as success so will others, if they don't, big deal, they don't have to see me everyday, see the disappointment in the mirror.

I am working on a few things to make myself feel better every day for what I have accomplished through many of the tough times that have come my way. I'll write more later, but I am needing to get some sleep! Good night everyone and have a wonderful New Years Day!!