My Story

As I walk out of my room, I hear my six year old singing

“Everything you are, Is everything to me,

These are the moments, I know heaven must exist,

These are the moments, I know all I need is this,

I have all I've waited for,

And I could not ask for more.”

I can’t help but reflect how this six year old can sing a song and not realize how the words hit so close to home for her mother. I’d say that song from Sara Evans is one of the best description of how my life has been for the past several years. However, the story has not always been as happy and content as it is now. I listen for a little bit longer as my daughter copies Sara Evans sing. I smile at her expressions and innocent words. She catches me looking at her and asks why I am staring at her. How can you tell this beautiful girl that she might not have existed if her mom had not gone through the dramatic life changing events at the age of five.

I look at her and mentally promise my daughter that she will not go through what I went through at her age. I promise her that she will never suffer and have doubts if her mom ever loved her, or if she was ever even wanted. Those were the things were going through my mind when I was going through my teenage life.

When people find out that I lived in India for 9 years everyone wants to know how life was like being in India. What do you say “Oh I was a princess who lived in the Taj Mahal, and servants assisted me every day” If people looked deep into my thoughts, they’d hear me screaming “My mom ran off when I was too young to take care of myself so she could be happy with another man rather than her children. My little brother is some where still in India working hard to survive. How every day of my life wonder where he is, what he looks like and what he is doing, does he know about us, does he wonder about us as I wonder about him. I was put through two orphanages feeling neglected and wanting to know where I really belonged. Why no loved me and wanted to adopt me. When did I really get a chance to reflect on the beauty of India, the flowers and the magical dances you see on the tv. People would keep asking if I know the language and if I had gone to see the Taj Mahal, or if I went to another historical places. People do not realize when you are an orphan that your life is not royalty. You don’t get full, you don’t have the best clothes, or the best education or health benefits. How do you tell people that because of you are an orphan they don’t give you the proper health and because they didn't give you the proper health treatment your lungs have scarring and you suffer every winter pneumonia. Four years of not knowing what was going to happen to you and your older sisters. Those are the thoughts and memories I have through my early childhood.

As I continue to stare at my beautiful child I thank God every day that a farming couple in a small Iowa town were willing to sacrifice their life and adopt thee little girls who did not speak one ounce of English and raise them up with correct morals and Ethics. I thank my real parents for the life they have given me and made me realize even though my life has had more downs then ups I am still alive and striving to be the best person I can. I wish I didn't have to g through what I went through in my early child hood, but I also thank God that I did, because I know for sure if I didn't go through that life, I would probably have been dead or working on streets.

"MOM!"

those words have never sounded so beautiful as I thought to myself as I snapped back to reality.

"Why are you staring at me?" she continues to ask. I just smile and hug her and tell her that we are very lucky to have a grandma and papa like the ones we do have. Satisfied with the response, she continued on with her next activity.

???????????

It's been over a year since I have last wrote on here. I have no idea why I stopped but I decided this would help me jot down what I am feeling and I can always go back and reflect how I was feeling this moment.

The past several weeks have been a blur for me. Some personal things have happened and my daughter has been sick and I am just really kinda drained. I sometimes wish I could go in a room lock myself up and just vent to no one but myself and just cry myself out and then wake up and no one will ever know that anything was wrong. However that's not how it happens and being a single mom I can only cry at a certain time of the week and a certain time of the day. Anyways there is more to that but let me catch everyone, which is like my 2 followers on what's been going on in my life the past year.

well the third to last post kinda was about me loosing the guy I was in love with and how I have been a horrible mom to my daughter. Well there really isn't much to talk about the guy I lost. we pretty much seperated after a lot of misunderstanding and mishaps that came between us. It was a hard break and I had a really bad time without him. Well last May we reconnected again and started talking like old times and ended up realizing that we were meant to be together and started dating again just to see where it will take us. I am not putting my whole heart and soul into the relationship yet because I'm scared. I have so much anger inside me from my past relationship I am not sure if I can really trust the person I am with. I love him very much and I want to keep him and be with him as long as I can, but sometimes it's hard to trust someone when you've been hurt so much in the past.

My ex husband and I finally divorced on March 13th, less then 2 months to from our 6th anniversary. The day I signed my divorce paper I was ecstatic. I went with a friend to a bar and just celebrated. The next day however was one of the worst days of my life. I sat on my bed in the room that my ex husband I spent almost every night for over a year and a half and held a picture of him in my hands and just bawled. I just let everything I held inside me out. I cried about the failure of my marriage, i cried about the mistakes I made, the mistakes he made I just cried about everything. I cried about how I hurt my daughter, and how she would come to me and ask me to be nice to her daddy and stay married to him. It was a really hard time for me. I turned my phone off I wasn't on the computer and I just let myself go. Well let's just say the next day I had the worst headache of my life and I can say the pain was worth the "clensing" I had gone through the previous night.

However that didn't stop. I thought that day I would have completely just wiped all my doubts and worries out of my life and put my ex husband in the past. Not really realizing how much of an impact a guy has on a person. I to this day have such a hard time dealing with what he did to me. I know many people would say "Damn Rhonda move on from that jerk. He hurt you why are you still affected by him." Well the thing is I'm not in love with him, but I can't just push the pain so deep that it is buried.

I was in a relationship where my husband didn't love me. He had a "hatred" for me I just couldn't put my finger on it. I had a lot of guilt inside me and I just couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I wanted to be hugged, i wanted to be touched, I wanted to be emotionally raised up. I guess what I'm trying to say is I wanted my husband to compliment me, let me know that he loved me and appreciated me, and that I was the love his life. Not every day but every once in a while it helped. I wanted him to be my partner walk together in this game of life. I was expecting too much I guess. My husband didn't want that. I started hating him. Anger was building inside me and to this day I still have that Anger.

Well I'm on my way to sleep. I'll wake up tomorrow and clean my place and then write some more. I'll catch up I promise.

why do I have to pick a stupid title

There is a website I subscribed to, it's called Diggs. It has a whole bunch of articles that you can read, wide range of articles. They have pictures, articles, and even videos you can make comments about. When you make comments about it, than others see it and they can either digg you which means they liked it or they can bury you which means they didn't like your article. I've noticed people are very against religion on that website. I'm not saying I"m religious or anything like that, but I think it is great that people can express their relgious believes as long as they don't force me into believing anything I don't want to believe in or I'm not ready to believe in it.

Because of the website I have thought a lot about people and their characteristic they have chosen to have. I would say I don't have very many friends. Not the ones who would drop everything they are doing and come running to me to resuce whatever I am having issues with.

Survivor in life

Here is a song that seems to be pretty good about how life is in general. You know I love music for the words, and these words seem to hit very close to home for me.


I'm A Survivor

I was born a believer,
biggest dreamer this world has ever seen
Ready to face most anything but learn that I was naive
Ran into things in life that I never planned
But that's made me who I am
I've had highs and lows and seen my share of ups and downs
There's been nights it seemed there wasn't a friend to be found
I've had to save myself from drowning in a sea of tears.
But I'm still here

('Cause) I, I'm a survivor
I won't let it get the best of me, I'll try my very best to be that strong
Oh, oh, oh, I, I'm a survivor
And I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
I'll just keep moving on

Oh
I was taught that honesty was simply the only way
I've spoken honestly and had it blow up in my face
Sometimes I look around and I don't know what I see
But I gotta believe in God above and what he's made me

No
I've witnessed pride and ego destroy the kindest of hearts
Seen how greed can take the best of friends and tear them apart
Every corner, every turn, every lesson I have learned
Has helped me find my way

I, I'm a survivor
I won't let it get the best of me, I'll try my very best to be that strong
Oh, oh, oh, I, I'm a survivor
And I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
I'll never give up, never let out, never givin
Oh no I'll, I'll never give up, never let out, never give in
I'll just keep moving on
I'm a survivor
Oh yes I am

Silly Note!! HaHa, I laughed so hard

on a silly note, a friend of mine posted this on her facebook which I thought was sooo funny. Her mom sent her a card and this is what it said.


Front: Hang in there...sometimes life hands you lemons, but then you can make lemonade.

Inside:Of course, sometimes life pulls down your pants, runs a power sander across your naked butt, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded buttocks. In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn't really help but, darn it... you've got to hang in there anyway!

Sigh

A lot of things running through my head and I just really need to jot it down before I go insane. The last entry I wrote about discovering thy self is true. I am 28 years old and I am not even sure what I want to do with life. I have a little girl, who is the most precious living thing on this earth, but I've been making her life a living hell. Let me back up for a little bit. The guy I was seeing told me that he wants nothing but to be friends. I accepted it but when I tried to be friends things started interfering with the friendship. Something from the past would upset me, or something from the present would upset me. So I'd tell him about it, but the thing is when we were seeing each other I would tell him everything and feel better. well I guess that's not what friendship is. I'd tell him stuff and he'd just back off. So I said a few lies and made him upset on purpose just to have him back off more. But the crazy part is when he backed off that's when I realize how retarded I was and now I can't put my pride away and say I'm sorry. So I've walked out of the relationship/friendship for good.

I sent him an e-mail the other day when I was really hurt, and said that he wasn't there for me and a whole bunch of stuff, but I pushed him away, so why am I so upset with him. That's what has got me to think. I think I really wanted him to be gone. Life was complicated in the relationship/friendship. Maybe six months from now the relationship would have worked out but I know it never had a chance right now. So consciously or subconsciously I made life hell.

Weird thing is, I'm usually not this type of person to play games, but I didn't want to hurt anyone or lie to anyone. I'm not saying I haven't lied before, oh my gosh have I lied, ask my parents they'll tell you I've lied to. However, with so much I just felt bad, the secret I was talking about hurt so many people and it was just hard to keep in in my head. I wanted to help both the people involved to move on and for me to get what I wanted. Sad thing is, both the two people have moved on and got a life of their own and I"m stuck now on my own with nothing gained from the whole issue.

I have always been the type of person who looked out for everyone else. I would have given them everything I have if it would help them. I've lost that person. I've lost who I was becoming between the ex husband thing and the ex boyfriend thing. I started getting greedy and looking out for my needs rather than others. I mean even in the ex boyfriend thing it wouldn't even have happened if I didn't start being so greedy and was focusing on my feelings and what I wanted right now.

Anyways back to what I was saying about my daughter, I've noticed I've taken a lot of stress out on her. I barely play with her or laugh with her, and have been really selfish. This little girl who wants to be with her mom has seen a completely different mom. I've become someone I thought i"d never become. I lose my temper with her all the time and I just am so short an abrupt with her. Which in turn make her go really silent with me. I love my little girl with all my heart and she is everything to me. She is usually the one who comes to me when I'm crying wipes my tears and says "mommy I love you even if your friends don't' love you" How can you be mad at that. I don't' know where she gets that from but lately that's not from me.

I have decided today that I'm going to be a different person. I'm going to put the past behind me and move on with my life. I screwed up the past but you know what I'm 28 and I have about 70 more years to live. So I need to change what I am becoming to be the Rhonda that is a good person who loves people and thinks of others before herself. I miss laughing and joking around with my family and friends. I miss being the mom that my daughter used to look up to and be there for her. Life is short and if you screw it up now than you might not get the things out of life that is out there. If I screw up my daughter now she is going to be into drugs and do all the other crap that is out there. I need to focus in life what is important. Men/friends come in and out of life but family never disappears.

This is a promise I am making to myself I will be a different person and people will notice the change.

the perfect song that describes me!!

Look at me I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
can it be I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see That if I were truly To be myself
I would break my family's heart

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?