Discovering Thy Self

So this is my first official blog I'm going to write here. I have been going through some big time frustration in my life. So many things happening, I don't even know what to write down first.

a few days ago, I finally let out a secret that I had been keeping for over a year. Though the secret coming out ended up hurting someone i grew to love very much, I felt a little relief after it was out. The decisions that we make in our life I've come to realize are tough at times and you really need to sit down and think about your choices you are about to make before you start blurting it out to the world. You need to rationalize who is going to benefit from the end. I realized me blurting out my secret really just benefited just me, and other people are now hurting because of the end result. I never meant for anyone to be hurt, and I never thought of what the outcome would have been. I was hurting and I wanted the hurt to go away.

I don't know if many of you guys know this, but a few years ago, I was very much depressed, I would bottle things up inside me, and anything someone told me I'd take it very personal. I was very depressed, tried to commit suicide several times, and I mean several. I thank god I grew out of that crap and the main person who got me out of that bind was my daughter. I would look at my beautiful daughter and realize that she needed me and would always need me. Anyways back than I I thought that was the way to get rid of my pain, by killing myself. I thought "hey I'm screwing up and I'm not good enough for my family" so the best thing I could do was to get rid of myself. Well thank god that mind set has disappeared. Especially with everything that has been happening in my life.

As I said in my past posts, that I am in the process of a divorce and in a major custody battle. That stress takes a lot out of me, I was in school and I got out of it because I couldn't focus on work, the divorce, taking care of my daughter. I've been feeling really guilty about dropping out of school again. I had a year and a half to go and I'd have finished my BA. I also was seeing someone that I started to care about a lot, but with so much going on, I couldn't handle that and the smallest things would tick me off. Well that ended just recently and am really down about it. I know it's just one more stepping stone in my rocky path.

Today I was just thinking of everything that have happened in my life the past two years, having almost died of pneumonia (twice), loosing my grandpa, loosing my husband, lot of changes at work, lot of changes in my personal life, and lot of changes in my daughter's life, how anyone could stay sane through it all. I have decided to be strong, I have let the past affect me way too much. Losing someone you loved is a very big deal but it's not the end of the world, not saying the people I have lost meant nothing to me, but moping around the house and being upset is not a way I need to act. If things are going to work out it will, nothing I can do right now will change the past, so why sit on my butt and cry about it. I can't make my husband come back, nor go back in time to stop myself from dropping out of college AGAIN, nor stop my baby from growing up, or other personal things in my life from changing. However I can live my life and learn from my past and use it as a learning tool.

I guess my mom was right when she told me as a little girl you have to make a lot of mistakes before you know what is the correct thing, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find prince charming. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, they can make 1,000, 000 mistakes and if they learn one thing out of those one million mistakes than it's all worth it.

Have I learned from my mistakes, some yes, have I repeated the same mistakes, definitely. Will I stop making those mistakes, probably not, but I know the mistakes won't be made the same way every time. So if anyone is reading this I've hurt or said anything mean I'm sorry, I'm still learning and trying to figure out who I really am. I know I have titles such as Mom, Daughter, friend, Sister, but who I really am is the min question that keeps going on in my head. Will I find the girl Who I am supposed to be, only time will tell.

Well this is long and i got to do a few things before I go to bed, but I'll write more later.